Name: John
Age: Enough to purchase booze
Location: California
Occupation: Yes!
Email: john@jadedape.com
A/S/L: LOL!!!!

Dating/Marriage: If you’re a female, of legal California (not Alabama) age, and described by friends as “the hot one” (followed by grumbles and the stroking of handguns), please contact me immediately. I have a position available. Please, no old people.

Background: John was born and raised on a small farm in quiet, rural Western Tennessee. His first memories are of his own birth when midwife, Norma “Big Hands” Stenkwud, pulled him out of the darkness and into the cold, cold air of the family “breedin’ room” on a summer eve.

“This kid’s gonna be more talented than Corny Joe,” Stenkwud was known to say.

Corny Joe, the local prize-fighting pack mule, was an area hero and generally grouped, and occasionally groped, by the town’s finest: Major Sucky Jim, local harlot Doobie Mae, and the oft-inebriated Sheriff Runny Spoot.

Stenkwud wasn’t full of shit: John was playing the spoons and slapping the tiles before he could speak.

As a lad, John enjoyed a good run through the garden and occasionally rogering select locals. Known for his sharp wit and skinny, pointy head, John began to wonder about his about his physical and psychological oddities. For instance, what’s with the hook nose? And where are the rest of his legs? All of these questions were answered in time – but not before John hopped on a minibike and zipped across the country after taking a wrong turn by Slumpy Poo’s Barbershop and Hair Piece Parlor. Arriving in California by riding the downward momentum from the Sierra Nevadas, John literally rolled into the picturesque Bay Area. He immediately set to work on fashioning a mud hut – just like his Native American ancestors – and administering himself a traditional Tennessean haircut.

Having built himself a home and sturdy porch and protected his neck from the sun, John began working toward his dream job: city-certified turret operator.

John describes himself as a quiet, introspective, and level-headed. Nothing is more relaxing than needlecraft or tending chrysanthemums, he says. And if heaven isn’t a good conversation with a good gal, he doesn’t know what is, he claims.

“I guess I just do some things for fun – like this triple W thing. I don’t know how they get the vid-yah spools on the computer tube, but it sure looks slick,” John stated.

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