so it should be pretty obvious by now that John and I are both total fat-asses. I really want to do something about it, but it's genetic. I have a glandular problem. Also I have no self esteem. I can't help it. Leave me alone because I can't lose weight. Alright, I'll do it! With that hurdle cleared, I started my diet with orange juice and string cheese. I noticed a couple things. First, string cheese has to be the stupidest food on the face of the earth. Cheese does not come pre-strung, so somewhere Malaysian children are slaving away to string this cheese. Maybe in Malaysia, I just don't know.

Anyway, who eats string cheese by peeling off strings of it at a time? Does it strike anyone else as weird that a piece of food that small requires 2 hands to eat? I mean christ, who's stopping you from taking a bite out of the whole thing? I'll tell you who... wait, no I won't. I just don't know. With that being said, I suggest you get some string cheese, and eat it in a mirror. Pay attention to how ridiculous a human adult looks, consuming a piece of cheese by peeling down strings of it off a larger cylinder of cheese. I guarantee after watching yourself eat cheese on a string by string basis, you will agree with me.

Moving on. I then shook my individually sized container of orange juice, wherein I noted that I was doing this weird wrist-action, twisty shake job on it. Who shakes containers of liquid like this? Is the permeation of male masturbation imagery in our society so perverse that we cannot shake containers in a jerk-off motion? There's nothing to be ashamed of. Even Intellectual Ape has to rub one out once in a while. Clearly this method of shaking is more effective. At this juncture, I set out to establish a new and cool shaking method. I decided to use the maraca rattle method. If you've ever seen any good fat maraca guys, they have this little rhythmic wrist flick, WHILE they're doing the whole, up-and-down arm motion. Not only is it a super effective shake method, but it makes orange juice "fun". We all need fun food. If you've stopped peeling string cheese like I have, all that creative food consumption has to go somewhere.

Before I forget,

I'm currently losing weight by: thinking thin.
I am listening to: a Linkin Park song; because I think upper class white kids singing to me about how rough life is, is extremely poignant and meaningful.I've tried so hard, and come so far; in the end, it doesn't even matter because nobody was taking my position seriously to begin with. Hey, live and learn.